Yeah, something is definitly messed up. I left it all weekend and those services are STILL sitting on "starting" after a couple days. Since it's still in the process of trying to turn on services it won't let me make any changes remotely. I'm going to have to drive back out there and get into safe mode.
I supposed I was hoping that this was a common problem that other people would know off the top of their head - searches and KB articles haven't gotten me anywhere yet.