the message is not getting flagged as spam. it gets to the users exchange inbox ut does not get processed by the blackberry service. i ended up switching all the blackberry service user accounts back to administrator and i was able to activate a device.
the permissions for the BESAdmin account i created are insufficient for processing that message from a users exchange inbox, i followed the instructions from tt support but something is missing that i can not find.
i might just leave the services running as DOMAIN/administrator and modify the permissions for this account to allow calendar sync from blackberry to exchange