ESPN's Bill Simmons @ Bold LA Launch Party
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As part of his weekly NFL column ESPN's Bill Simmons dropped in a few tidbits from the LA Launch part of the Bold last week. I thought it was quite entertaining...
You may also notice that the line in my signature is ripped off directly from the SG.
So, I went to a BlackBerry Bold party Thursday night with my friends Will and Ben. Everyone who went to the party got a free, engraved BlackBerry Bold, and since it hadn't been released yet and celebs love free stuff, there were an inordinate amount of B-list celebs in the house. I went only because Ben invited me as his plus-one; please don't think BlackBerry bribed me for this plug. Anyway, I have three mini-stories, and there's no way you aren't excited for all of them. Strangely, none of these stories involves Lamar Odom or Pau Gasol, who briefly attended the event before quitting in the second quarter. Whoops, I'm getting this confused with Game 6 of the 2008 Finals. My bad. OK, here are the stories.
Story No. 1: Kate Bosworth was there and wearing 6-inch high heels. I have seen countless women stop a room with their breasts; I had never seen anyone stop a room with their legs. Ridiculous. I had no idea. Those legs were like the Grand Canyon, Mount Everest and the LaBrea Tar Pits. A natural phenomenon. Don't ever allow any of your friends to put down Kate Bosworth in your presence again. She is a work of art. By the way, I could be her dad. I know. But if someone is that stunning, we should be able to appreciate this objectively without wanting to jump her bones. As opposed to Will, who wanted to jump her bones and was so intimidated that he couldn't even approach her, a significant development since he would have been my No. 1 fantasy pick for "Friend Who Would Talk To Any Girl Under Any Circumstances." Nope. Kate Bosworth reduced him to stone. I feel like you need to know these things.
Story No. 2: The cast of "Entourage" was there. Jeremy Piven might be 5-foot-7. Turtle (Jerry Ferrara) isn't taller than 5-foot-6. The guy who plays E (Kevin Connolly) is a solid 5-foot-4. We were joking that they had to ask for mini-BlackBerry Bolds or else they would have been carrying the real ones against their chests like Moses carried one of the Commandments tablets. I have been out here for six years and will never get over how short celebrities are.
Story No. 3: I was waiting for my car afterward and standing next to Matt Saracen (Zach Gilford) from "Friday Night Lights." Wanted to say something, but I didn't know what. He seemed like a nice guy. And as I was thinking about what to say, suddenly an SUV pulled up and Kim Kardashian jumped out wearing a Halloween costume as 20 photographers descended on her in 0.0008 seconds from a 50-foot radius. I have never, ever, EVER in my life seen someone swarmed that quickly. She just kept moving and ate it up with flashbulbs clicking 18 inches from her face. She loved it.
And I was standing there thinking two things. First, "Friday Night Lights" is the best sports show in 30 years. It lost its way a little in the second season and came back strong this season. It's a must-watch again. When people tell me they don't watch the show, I get confused the same way I get confused when someone tells me they haven't tried ice cream or drank a beer. It's just illogical to me. Even more illogical, someone who became famous because of a sex tape "mattered" in this little paparazzi world infinitely more than a star from one of the only television shows that matters right now. Nobody was even taking his picture. I understand why … it's just depressing, that's all.
The second thing? Kim Kardashian's **** is like Kate Bosworth's legs: simply staggering in person. It's like nothing you have ever seen. I feel like we don't even belong to the same species. So crossing off Kim's **** and Kate's legs in one night was almost like seeing the Grand Canyon and the Leaning Tower of Pisa within a span of 90 minutes. I probably will lose that BlackBerry Bold within the next two months, but I will not forget what I saw at the party. Back to the column.
"The lesson as always, I'm an idiot."