[CoDudette]

the baby is there, yes. she has 3 moms but no father figure.

right now with everything happening, i don't like the idea of them working on being friends.. maybe if he first grows up, then we will let him even come near her.

but i do agree that kids need father figures.

[Jadey]

Originally Posted by CoDudette

the baby is there, yes. she has 3 moms but no father figure.

right now with everything happening, i don't like the idea of them working on being friends.. maybe if he first grows up, then we will let him even come near her.

but i do agree that kids need father figures.

This is just MY opinion, but if he is willing, he needs contact with that child. He needs to bond with her. Otherwise ultimately the child suffers, and although this situation is not the fault of your friend, it absolutely is not the fault of this child. She has a father, grandparents, possibly aunts/uncles/cousins and I (personally) think it is morally right and very important that they have contact. I know the child is young, but it is better for her to grow up knowing her Dad than not.

If your friend cannot be present for this, find a mediator who can allow him to spend a few hours a week with the baby. This can continue till your friend can be in a room with him civilly.

I understand that your friend needs to protect herself emotionally, but I feel the primary concern in this situation is the baby.

[kathrynhr]

Originally Posted by Jadey

I understand that your friend needs to protect herself emotionally, but I feel the primary concern in this situation is the baby.

+1.

I was somehow under the impression that your friend did not keep her baby. If she did, the priorities have changed.

[Giselle9938]

Ok... This is just my Opinion... I learned a long time ago that as a mother I'm only responsable of the relationship between me "Mother" and my kids. If their father don't give a damn and he don't do anything to create a relationship father and kids thats his own desicion.... I won't waste my time calling him or trying to reach him to make him spend time with my daughters.

Why I think like that? Cuz I spend years trying to push my ex husband to be responsable with my daughters but everytime he left them waiting, every christmas he don't even call them, every bday he don't even remembered about her daughters was a frustrating for me and my daughters. I'm not the kind of woman that say negative things to my kids about their father even when they are the truth. They will grow up and they will have their own opinion about their father. If he don't care about them that's his fault not mine.

On the other side she will be need help with her baby. But there is a lot of guys (not all) that thinks when they pay child support thats all they need to do, when a father figure is something more than a check every month.

[Jadey]

I see your point Giselle, and as I stated above if he is willing - I am aware that you cannot force someone to be a father.

I am just stating my opinion that the posters friends' anger with this man ought not preclude a relationship between him and the baby, thus why I suggested a mediator if she cannot be in the vicinity of this man, but he wants to see the baby.

At the end of the day, we do not know his opinions on this child, he might be desperate to see her. Until we know that he is not, I feel (personally) that access needs to be considered.

[Giselle9938]

I gave my opinion based on my own experience, after I tried to make my ex husband be responsable for my daughters.

I agree with Jadey. She need give him the oportunity to be close to that baby. But she need to have in mind that after all the things he had done there is a posibility that he don't want to be close to the baby. If that happen she need to be strong enough to understand that is not her fault and not let this situation affect her emotionally too.

[Jadey]

Originally Posted by Giselle9938

She need give him the oportunity to be close to that baby. But she need to have in mind that after all the things he had done there is a posibility that he don't want to be close to the baby. If that happen she need to be strong enough to understand that is not her fault and not let this situation affect her emotionally too.

Couldn't agree more.

[CoDudette]

you guys are amazing.

giselle, thank you, for sharing your personal experience here. it really helps us, as her friends to understand how we can go about the situation.

Jadey, you brought up some important points. right now her 3 mommies are taking care of her (she's a darling!), and my friend thinks maybe she should contact him.. when she's ready to make that move. right now we're just there taking care of her.

once again, all of you are brilliant. as strangers, you all have given some the of the best advice to someone who had no clue how to handle such a messy situation. xoxo

[Giselle9938]

Originally Posted by CoDudette

you guys are amazing.

giselle, thank you, for sharing your personal experience here. it really helps us, as her friends to understand how we can go about the situation.

Jadey, you brought up some important points. right now her 3 mommies are taking care of her (she's a darling!), and my friend thinks maybe she should contact him.. when she's ready to make that move. right now we're just there taking care of her.

once again, all of you are brilliant. as strangers, you all have given some the of the best advice to someone who had no clue how to handle such a messy situation. xoxo

No problem I'm happy that we could help you.

[Dawg]

I disagree with getting the father involved. I raised my daughter just fine with out my wifes help or interference. A child doesnt need bothe parents to become a productive member of society.

It sounds like this guy is a jerk and he doesnt need to be around the child anyway. There is a very distinct difference in being a father and being a Dad.

[dc/dc]

Originally Posted by Dawg

There is a very distinct difference in being a father and being a Dad.

Truth.

[jsconyers]

Originally Posted by Dawg

There is a very distinct difference in being a father and being a Dad.

I see your point here and it made me think of one of my all time favorite movies - Pay It Forward

Arley: I feel like I've got to give him a chance.
Eugene: A chance? A chance for what?
Arley: To change. To try to make up for lost time.
Eugene: Oh. What? Take Trevor to some ball games? Do some real xxx8216;daddyxxx8217; things with him?
Arley: Yeah, he promised to try. What do you want to do?
Eugene: Oh, I dunno --- Be smart?
Arley: Hexxx8217;s his father, Eugene.
Eugene: He impregnated you Arlene. In what other way has he been a father to Trevor?

I agree that the baby is the important factor here and that the guy does deserve a chance to be a part of the child's life, if he's willing.

[SteveO86]

If the dude is willing to change and be a responsible person/adult, then it is worth giving him a chance.. but if the guy has doubt and leave mid-way threw this it may be tougher for her to rebound.

The kid does have to be considered.. will this guy be a good influence in his life or something else?

Very tough situation...

[CoDudette]

Originally Posted by dc/dc

Truth.

can't deny that.

[Jadey]

Originally Posted by Dawg

I disagree with getting the father involved. I raised my daughter just fine with out my wifes help or interference. A child doesnt need bothe parents to become a productive member of society.

It sounds like this guy is a jerk and he doesnt need to be around the child anyway. There is a very distinct difference in being a father and being a Dad.

No a child doesn't need both, where one is not around or is wholly unsuitable.

But before we all sit in judgement:

We are hearing about a man, from the good (female) friend of a woman who feels she is wronged. There is more than one side to each story, and none of us have heard his. Whilst I do not doubt for one second that everything the OP states is true from her perspective or her friends, we are not seeing both sides, and life is subjective. Have a dozen people watch something happen - they will all describe it differently. Sometimes small differences, sometimes huge - it is all about perception.

As such, I stand by the fact that unless he is unwilling or a really bad influence (i.e. a crack addict) then he deserves the right to have a chance to see his child.

Things go messy between parents a lot. Believe me, I have been the child in the middle. My Dad was a SHIT husband. No doubt about that. Were I an adult friend of my Mum's, I'd have told her to sack him off and cut contact. That would have been a shame, because although he was incapable of holding a marriage together with my Mum, he was a bloody good Dad and I miss him every day (he died 2.5 years ago). He lied to my Mum a lot, he never once lied to me. We had a very different relationship, father-daughter is not the same as husband-wife-getting-divorced. To my Mum, he was a man she once chose, and later regretted. To me, he was my blood. That's not true for he and Mum.

Life doesn't always give you a second chance. I would never have forgiven one of my parents if they had not allowed me a chance to see the other and make my OWN mind up. Life is never black and white, and we all want and deserve chances. None of these chances are more important than those between family. And this man, and the baby, are family, and always will be.

[daphne]

Good post Jadey.

[CoDudette]

thanks jadey. i realise that all of you know only our side of the story. of course, i am heavily biased towards my friend, but i have tried to find a GOOD reason to defend him as well, but i just can't. maybe i'm wearing blinkers in that respect.

anyway, my friends ex did get in touch with her.. she wasn't ready just yet. i want her to be fully ready to be able to talk to him again. she's still quite vulnerable. and the last thing i want is for her to be subject to any more trauma and heartache.

[Dawg]

Originally Posted by Jadey

No a child doesn't need both, where one is not around or is wholly unsuitable.

But before we all sit in judgement:

We are hearing about a man, from the good (female) friend of a woman who feels she is wronged. There is more than one side to each story, and none of us have heard his. Whilst I do not doubt for one second that everything the OP states is true from her perspective or her friends, we are not seeing both sides, and life is subjective. Have a dozen people watch something happen - they will all describe it differently. Sometimes small differences, sometimes huge - it is all about perception.

As such, I stand by the fact that unless he is unwilling or a really bad influence (i.e. a crack addict) then he deserves the right to have a chance to see his child.

Things go messy between parents a lot. Believe me, I have been the child in the middle. My Dad was a SHIT husband. No doubt about that. Were I an adult friend of my Mum's, I'd have told her to sack him off and cut contact. That would have been a shame, because although he was incapable of holding a marriage together with my Mum, he was a bloody good Dad and I miss him every day (he died 2.5 years ago). He lied to my Mum a lot, he never once lied to me. We had a very different relationship, father-daughter is not the same as husband-wife-getting-divorced. To my Mum, he was a man she once chose, and later regretted. To me, he was my blood. That's not true for he and Mum.

Life doesn't always give you a second chance. I would never have forgiven one of my parents if they had not allowed me a chance to see the other and make my OWN mind up. Life is never black and white, and we all want and deserve chances. None of these chances are more important than those between family. And this man, and the baby, are family, and always will be.

We are all entitled to our opinions. The facts are, we only know what we know ,nothing more nothing less. We can't assume anything. The OP asked for our opinions. I gave mine, you gave yours. So now its up to the OP to make her own mind up.

I see family very different, I have plenty of blood relatives that I could care less if I ever saw again. To me family is who my parents chose for me and whom I chose for my children and who they will chose for theirs.

My ex wife choses bad people hence she is my ex. If I could have kept my daughter from her I would have. She is the worst influence on my daughter she leads her down so many bad paths.

[turn_key]

Here's my 2 cents and from a guy's point of view...

Rarely does a guy not know his feelings or where his heart is. There is no confusion or doubt. We're either on or off. If he was a man and wanted to be with her or take responsibility for the child he would do so without being asked.

Fathering a child and being a father are two different things; either men have the ability to be good fathers or they don't, and he doesn't for sure. That being said, the guy is 100% a**hole and immature. The whole drunken phone calls and sneaking around with someone else is about as high school as you can get.

Your friend shouldn't waste one more second thinking about this clown and concentrate on raising the baby. His only contact should be a monthly check for child support.

I've also had many a female friend that went through the same type of situation and it's always the same story; I love him, he says he loves me, I know I can change him, he's really a good guy, I made him do this, it's my fault he hits me, he's not sure, he's not ready, the other woman seduced him, if I was better in bed he wouldn't have cheated on me.... it's all Grade A bullsh*t. 99% of guys do what they want to do and there is little thought involved.

Anytime a guy says he's not sure or scared, he's lying.

[Dawg]

Originally Posted by turn_key

Here's my 2 cents and from a guy's point of view...

Rarely does a guy not know his feelings or where his heart is. There is no confusion or doubt. We're either on or off. If he was a man and wanted to be with her or take responsibility for the child he would do so without being asked.

Fathering a child and being a father are two different things; either men have the ability to be good fathers or they don't, and he doesn't for sure. That being said, the guy is 100% a**hole and immature. The whole drunken phone calls and sneaking around with someone else is about as high school as you can get.

Your friend shouldn't waste one more second thinking about this clown and concentrate on raising the baby. His only contact should be a monthly check for child support.

I've also had many a female friend that went through the same type of situation and it's always the same story; I love him, he says he loves me, I know I can change him, he's really a good guy, I made him do this, it's my fault he hits me, he's not sure, he's not ready, the other woman seduced him, if I was better in bed he wouldn't have cheated on me.... it's all Grade A bullsh*t. 99% of guys do what they want to do and there is little thought involved.

Anytime a guy says he's not sure or scared, he's lying.

Great post. I agree